Before the noughties, everyone said things like ’sex is special, wait until you’re ready’ or ‘you should try and talk openly with your parents about sex’, but nobody actually followed through: virginities were lost in the same brief, seedy fumblings as they always were and the whole thing was just another vague disappointment that you had to get over. In the 2000s, however, people started to believe the hype. The doctrine of ’specialness’ became so widespread and accepted that teenagers who tried to have normal, recreational, unspecial sex were back to being slags and scallies while nice middle-class teenagers graduated from chastity-ring wearing monstrosities like the Jonas Brothers to mormon-penned tomes about abstinential vampires. Major Hollywood films replaced the ’sex scene’ with the ‘very realistic punching someone scene’ and everybody got very frustrated and started writing anonymous porn on the internet.

Seriously, if you want to make some money, go and pitch the following to a major studio: Remake of Weird Science in which – instead of two boys making an artificial Kelly le Brock to shower with – two girls write a magic fanfic that comes to life as an artificial Robert Pattinson who stares at them for half an hour and then starts crying. You will be a billionaire.